The Underlying Issues of Self-Worth and Shame
An essential part of being a Life Coach is to see your clients in the most positive light. Yes, a coach needs to focus on the change the client wants to make; at the same time, it behooves them to be an ally: empathetic and future-oriented.
Self-worth and feelings of shame are often the underlying issues that are at the heart of struggles such as finances, work, relationships, weight management, alcohol, and substance abuse. They can also produce feelings of overwhelming anxiety.
For example, a former client was seeking support to make a transition from bartending to using their artistic talents as a teacher. We spent several sessions focusing on how they could change careers, taking into account being a single mother, needing more degree credits, and having a drink or two after their shift when they should be going home. These were big enough issues to tackle, but in reality, the bigger problems were the roadblocks created by questioning their self-worth and shame.
How Personal Stories Can Keep Us Stuck
Have you ever listened to a friend tell the same story about their childhood over and over in social contexts like parties, small gatherings, or over coffee? The use of stories as they pertain to personal histories serves a purpose to a degree.
Still, since coaching is not therapy, I am cautious about how much time in session is spent talking about one's past and the stories that strengthen and support neural networks and behavior or thought patterns that encourage victim responses, fear, and defense mechanisms.
I spent a few months working with this client, who wanted to use their artistic abilities and interest in teaching children, and who left a well-paying bartending job. Childhood stories were told; some provided insight, while others kept them in a fear-based state that also reinforced a lack of self-esteem and shame. Once I could help the client tease out the unbiased stories from those that perpetuated the underlying issues of self-worth and feelings of shame, together we could see how certain stories reinforced behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes that no longer served them.
This awakening helped the client "to see" the lack of self-worth and the feelings of shame attached to stories that no longer served them in all their adult roles. Even the unbiased childhood stories did not need to be told further. It was possible to reframe difficult childhood and more recent events in a new, more empowering way. Through various hypnosis and other exercises, the client learned to appreciate and develop positive feelings about themself and see in hindsight that their parents and siblings were affected by family dynamics, health, and mental challenges, enough so that the roadblocks vanished. Only then were we able to work together to move forward with new resources and a plan that, within eight months, helped the client transition into a gratifying new profession, increasing their self-confidence and belief in themselves and diminishing any shame.
Quieting the “Bully in the Brain”
One of the techniques learned in a single session was something my mentor, Melissa Tiers, called the "Bully in the Brain" in her book, The Anti-Anxiety Toolkit. I will share more about this and other techniques used to gain self-esteem and confidence, and lessen feelings of anxiety in the next few blog posts.
