What is the “Bully in the Brain”?

Dec 3

To create an affirming voice in the brain, we first need to knock down the "bully in the brain." As described by Melissa Tiers in her book The Anti-Anxiety Toolkit, the bully voice in the brain is a result of reinforced negative thoughts, attitudes, habits, or behavior, or a combination of all four. Based on cellular memory, early-life influences, and environmental factors, these patterns develop.

Clusters of thick, strong neurons (neuro-networks) in the brain create these underlying patterns. And, these kinds of patterns are how triggered behaviors form.

Does this sound familiar to you? What does the bully voice in your brain say to you? Who may have been your bully, or maybe you made up the bully?

How Negative Thought Patterns Trigger Anxiety

During an early coaching session, I will ask a client if they ever say words to themselves that do not contribute to their self-worth or confidence. Words that are defeating, critical, or outright lies create anxiety.

Anxiety has a structure. Some people will see something external and then say something in their mind, which causes their anxiety. Others will hear something, form a mental image, and then feel anxious, or remember something as an image and then react to it, feeling anxious.

Understanding That You Generate the Anxiety

Once you understand that you are the generator of the anxiety, that it does not come out of nowhere, you can begin to change it. You can change the mental images and dialogue, and feelings associated with it in the body. The bully in the brain can change through calming practices, heightened awareness, and the use of imagination.

Techniques to Interrupt the Bully in the Brain

Techniques to interrupt the bully in the brain and those negative patterns are used to create new neuro-networks; new clusters of neurons that manifest to us as healthy positive behavior patterns.

Below are two techniques from The Anti-Anxiety Toolkit to try:

Technique #1: Changing Internal Negative Self-Talk

The first way to change the negative self-talk pattern is to notice and manipulate the internal dialogue you are running that keeps that anxiety going. As soon as you feel anxious, see what you are saying to yourself. We are very good at feeding our anxiety by talking to ourselves in a really negative way.

Becoming more self-aware of these negative dialogues means that you become more aware of all the things you would rather be hearing. Only then can you begin to manipulate that negative self-talk. Notice what happens when you hear a negative statement in your mind. Hear the negative self-talk and imagine a different voice, a voice that is opposite in tone, weight, and delivery, a voice that flips the narrative. You may imagine a character associated with that voice, too, that conjures up a positive influence. This narrative assumes a positive or non-judgmental quality.

A second idea is to add the word "so" to the beginning of the negative self-talk. The negative impact is diminished considerably. For example, "they don't like my work" to "so what if they don't like my work." Or, "what if I can't do this?" to "so what if I can't do this." A two-letter word can change how you feel.

Technique #2: The Metaphoric Two-Step

Once you identify where in your body you feel anxiety, ask yourself, "What is it like?" and see if a metaphor emerges. One client saw and felt (squeezed) an animated heart with a troubled-looking face, a tight belt wrapped around its widest part, and short legs and arms moving in all different directions.

I asked her what had to happen to change that image and feeling, and she said, "I have to remove the belt, breathe slowly so that the face, arms, and legs could begin to relax and move in harmony." She then closed her eyes and imagined doing what she had just described. She reported that she felt totally relaxed, and the anxiety was instantly gone.